Maiden to Mother - the birth of Cooper

I didn't share my birth story until Cooper turned 1 because it didn't feel right to post at the time. I told my friends and family about it of course, I needed to debrief. Birth trauma is real.

But I almost felt guilty calling it a traumatic birth, because out of it came my beautiful healthy boy. I should be grateful, I thought.

But it wasn't just about my baby being born, it was also about me crossing that portal into motherhood; changing me physically, mentally and emotionally. And therefore it's important to acknowledge the pain as well as the joy. And the deep learning I've completed and continue to do.

So here is my birth story if you'd like to hear it. I hope it's helpful to any new mums out there, or even existing mums who went through something similar. It might sound confronting and negative, but please know I had (mostly) really supportive midwives. It definitely takes a particular kind of lovely person to be a midwife.

My key takeaway from the experience was that I thought I was prepared, but I wasn't. I never even considered the possibility of having an epidural so when I actually did get one I didn't understand the ramifications and restrictions of making that decision.

It's a cascade of medical intervention that I hadn't factored in and I really wish I did.

I also knew for sure that my next birth would be a planned home birth from the beginning because it's important to feel comfortable and safe wherever you birth.

It all started at 6am in the morning on Thursday 17th December 2020. I could sense something was different about the tightening sensations but it wasn't until around 10am that I said to my partner, Joel, 'ok, you need to come home from work now'.

I cuddled our puppy Winston in between the surges and got the TENS machine and gym ball out to help with the pain while I started to time them. I was excited, nervous but happy and relatively relaxed labouring at home listening to my hypnobirthing tracks.

We rang the delivery suite at the Royal Darwin Hospital to have a chat with a midwife and give the heads up that we could be coming in soonish. We were told 'we are really busy so try and stay home as long as possible'.

I understood what they meant but it wasn't exactly what I wanted/needed to hear.

I had wanted a home birth through the public system but unfortunately only decided half way through the pregnancy after feeling empowered from my hypnobirthing course. Therefore the home birth program was full and I only made it as far as the top spot on the waiting list.

So when I was already feeling a bit deflated about the need for a hospital visit, hearing the words 'we are really busy' got in my head straight away.

Trying my best to stay in my zone despite the change in environment.

When I was having surges really regularly we realized we shouldn't delay any longer. Things were moving fairly quickly so by 4pm we were at the hospital. But as soon as I got there I tensed up.

We waited for 45 minutes in a delivery room before we really knew what was happening or someone came to check on us. And my surges slowed down but became more painful.

The midwife on was accommodating and tried to see if we could get a nicer room in the suite with the built-in birthing pool, but staffing issues didn't allow. We were able to move to a bigger room that could fit an inflatable birth pool though.

I learnt that Cooper had shifted around and was now posterior which explained the increasing pain in my back. I wasn't prepared for it it. This back pain wasn't what I had pictured.

I was offered morphine for the pain and sleeping tablets if I wanted to rest. I chose morphine not realizing it was only a temporary option because it could affect the baby (a little surprised they offer it in the first place then to be honest).

I asked if I could go in the pool but was told I had to be 5cm dilated to use it (I now know this isn't true). I had opted not to find out dilation in my birth preferences because I knew it would get in my head, but I really wanted to get in the water so I asked the midwife if she could just check and let me know if I could get in. She checked and said unfortunately no so I knew I wasn't even 5cm and was incredibly deflated after that.

It was quite late at night by this stage and I ended up spending hours and hours under the hot water of the shower instead). By about 4 or 5am I opted for the epidural, something I had really not wanted to do but couldn't handle the back pain any longer. From there it was a blur.

I know they broke my waters. I know I dozed for a little bit. I know the epidural stopped working and the pain came back. I know there were tears. I know they boosted the epidural to get it working and then my legs went completely numb and the pain finally subsided. I know I was given synthetic oxytocin to stimulate the surges again which the epidural had slowed down.

By the time I was told it was ok to start pushing it was nearly lunchtime the day after I had first started early labour. I was laying on my back exhausted and my partner and the midwife helped me lift my knees into the air and push. But I just didn't have the strength.

I asked if I could change position to all fours, feeling like this would really help (a.k.a working with gravity not against) but because I couldn't feel my legs from the epidural I was informed this was too dangerous (I now know it actually is possible with the right support).

Soon there were a heck of a lot more people in the room.

There were other midwives and the obstetrician and the head obstetrician and the pediatrician and who knows who else. I remember saying 'there are so many people in here, why are there so many people' because I felt so vulnerable and on display.

Cooper's heart rate was starting to increase as he became stressed from being stuck in the birth canal for so long. They advised me they would need to try venthouse (vacuum).

I said ok but I wanted to avoid forceps and an episiotomy as much as possible. I knew tearing naturally was much likely to heal better.

Unfortunately Cooper still wasn't moving further down and therefore I was advised they needed to use forceps which meant an unavoidable episiotomy.

With the help of forceps my beautiful baby boy started to make his way into the world. They encouraged me to reach down and I felt his head and suddenly realized 'wow this is really happening, this baby is real'.

Cooper was born at 1.34pm on Friday the 18th December 2020 and was placed straight onto my chest and within moments he looked up at me. He knew my voice and gazed at me in wonder. I felt like I knew him already.

Having had the epidural they pulled my placenta from me. I didn't birth it like I'd pictured and prepared myself for.

I made sure the cord clamping was delayed until the blood has finished pumping. This was important to me but I still felt quite rushed. I was told a couple of minutes was longer than usual and was heaps of time (something else I now know to be different).

As we basked in the love and joy of our new baby I was told that unfortunately the episiotomy has resulted in very bad tearing and I had a 3C tear, the second worst you could have.

This meant a trip to theatre to be stitched up. Luckily they were busy in theatre and I was able to spend valuable time with my partner and bonding with my brand new baby. We worked together and he latched onto my breast and it was the most wonderful feeling.

But all too soon I was being whisked away from Joel and our little Cooper in his arms. I remember lying in the theatre room with tears streaming down my face, hoping none of the doctors would see.

I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be with my baby. I needed to know he was ok. He'd barely fed yet and it was now nearly 8pm and visiting hours were closing soon which meant my partner had to go home (it was during COVID).

The relief when I was wheeled back in to the maternity ward and saw them both, and the relief when my baby latched onto my breast and stopped his crying is indescribable.

The feeling when Joel had to go home for the night and I was left there with a brand new baby next to the hospital bed, when I couldn't even walk or feel my legs yet . . . not quite so good. I dearly wished to be home, our family together, healing and bonding and breathing as one.

Because of my tearing I was expected to need to stay for monitoring around 2-3 days. In that time unfortunately Cooper's CRP levels indicated potential infection and he was placed on 5 days of antibiotics through the NICU. We spent a week all up in hospital and got to go home on Christmas Eve.

I am so grateful to the lovely people I encountered in the ward over that week. In particular the night midwife who helped me on that first night. Literally walking me to the shower and helping me change Cooper's nappies.

I am also grateful for my beautiful healthy baby boy who brings me so much joy.

But my god, the system we birth in is not ideal.